Over the holidays, I watched a movie called “The Book Of Love: The Definitive Reason Why Men Are Dogs”
It’s a movie first made in 2002. The movie was filmed as a documentary with three bachelors going into detail about their relationships with their past girlfriends and why it didn’t work out with each of them. Rather than go into detail, what caught my eye and inspired this post is that at the end, there was a scene that brought back some negative feelings, closely tied in to The Depths of My Soul
. So much so, I felt I had to start off the New Year sharing with you my own thoughts of “how it really went down.”
I’m beginning to wonder if women believe we as men have feelings or not. If we look past the conditioning about us by the media and society, there are good men out there who are positive achievers in life wishing to make our mark on the world. We also seek loving wives, growing families and a solid future. We’ve been brainwashed to believe is that men, especially Black men, are up to no good and are dogs simply because we are such. However, one of the characters in the movie I strongly identified with, in fact, two. These men honestly reflected on their relationships and were even damaged by the actions of their women forcing them to close their feelings off, placing borders on their emotions and requesting signed agreements. A bit over the top, I know for men…but women have also said the same thing to me once before. Let this be known right here and now for 2010. Black women have not cornered the market on emotions. We men have them too.
The following is what I’m hearing from Black men:We can’t stand rejection and we can’t stand it when our women say we’re full of ‘the stuff’, aren’t worth much and will never be. Despite our bravado and self-bragging, those words hurt. They wound us and if women seriously believe that, then why as a Black man, should I continue to love you? The choice has been made, your heart has been set, and you’re not willing to settle for an apology. At least that’s what painful words like that mean. Funny, but I hear and read that from people who claim they’re down with our people. Really? How can we find unity within our sexes if I’m no more worth a pile of feces to you? How can I be the ‘king’ you want me to be if I’m no more than a piece of dung on the sidewalk? You seriously say you love me sista, but you continue to hurt me over and over again with the most destructive weapon in our bodies, our tongues. But of course, women have not captured the market on hateful, spiteful words. Unfortunately, we men are just as guilty in the rift between us. But Sista, please love me for who I am and what I can become. Please, don't hate me. I need you.
We men don’t like to reveal much to our women for the simple reason it can be used against us at a later date. The movie had examples of women taking advantage of their men, efforts of changing them, etc. While we have seen these experiences in our own lives. All men ask is that you accept us as we are. If you approached us because you saw potential, then discuss it with us. Don’t try to dictate what you feel is good for us because then it’s one sided and two, would you like it if we tried to change your wardrobe, the way you eat, controlling your life to suit our purposes? Relationships are supposed to be where you share things in common with your mate. If you both want to be happy and make changes together, talk about it. A man who wants to improve will listen to his woman and will even take her suggestions to heart. On the other hand fellas, we should become defensive when those suggestions are made. We do have the right to accept or deny the request, but at least hear her out.
I do believe that if we men started getting our feelings out on paper and in books, a lot more women will understand us better, rather than believing what they’ve been force fed mentally. There are vastly more women than men reading these days, so if men just started to write out their hearts more and more, that bridge between us will close. Not all the way – but a little at a time. Just take a look at the bestseller list if you don’t believe that.
A personal note, part of the reason I wrote The Depths of My Soul
was because I went through the hurt, the pain of emotions of not feeling good enough, not feeling ‘up to par’ with you women out there. I had to settle for being the friend, lost love, etc. I went through all the feelings, emotions, and shed more than a few tears in my life. The son of a friend of mine loved the book because it was ‘real’ to him. The movie convinced me men want to share, we want to tell the world how we feel. However, as you will find out…. there are reasons why we’re becoming the new Invisible Men among our women.